For a couple of months now, I have sat idly by, patiently waiting for the return of my favorite show Man vs. Wild. During these two months I felt myself falling deeper and deeper for Bear Grylls' chief competition, Survivorman. Not in a gay way, but in a strictly "Fuck yeah!" type of way. But despite the "Fuck yeah!"-ness of the whole situation, it has the feeling of an affair.

"You were gone for two months, Bear! I didn't know if you were ever coming back! What was I supposed to do? I had to carry on for MY OWN good! I'd like you to meet Les..."

Over the weekend as I lay on the couch, thumbing through my TiVo and ignoring the sleep mechanism just a little longer, my TiVo proudly announced that it had recorded an entire Man vs. Wild marathon. I sat bolt upright on the couch. Bear? Is that you?

I hastily press play on an episode.

For those of you who don't know the travesty that's gone on recently with Man vs. Wild; it was brought to light by some disgruntled contractors on the show that Bear often brought in props, stayed in hotels, and faked many situations all the while maintaining that it was all completely real. As time passed, more and more evidence was brought to light. Finally Discovery Channel pulled the plug on Man vs. Wild reruns, promising re-edits of the show to make it "more transparent" so as not to lead the viewer on that everything they see on television is completely real and true. After this statement, Man vs. Wild is gone from the airwaves for roughly 2 months, leaving the fans completely high and dry.

As the episode starts, a disclaimer appears on the screen: "Bear Grylls is trained in extreme survival techniques. He and the crew receive support when they are in potentially life-threatening situations, as required by health and safety regulations. Professional advice should be always be sought before entering any dangerous environment." But, then it got worse...

They had edited many of Bear's narrations, for instance when bear had been forced to weave a depth checking device out of palm fronds to check the depth of the water off of a water fall, it originally seemed as though he spent several hours weaving and tying, but in the new edited version, we hear Bear say, "With the help of my team, we wove more than 50 feet of cord." Ugh.

Then, the worst...THE WORST part was in Scotland. Bear Grylls rigs up all of these rabbit snares in the evening in hopes of catching a rabbit for breakfast. In the original version Bear looks around, GASP!, he's snared one! He then demonstrates the proper way to karate chop a rabbit in the back of the neck to kill it quickly. However, in the new version, we hear Bear solemnly admit, "My trap didn't catch anything overnight, but I've been brought a rabbit to tell you what to do if you're luckier than me."

Somewhere there's some smug piece of shit proudly watching these embarrassing disgraceful atrocities and just smiling. It's the same fucker who wants to make sure you're not getting drunk in the bar and making sure you're not smoking in the bathroom. He's very proud that now Man vs. Wild is 100% honest and "transparent", whereas the people who loved the show and KNEW what we were getting are left with the sharp taste of vomit in our mouths.

There is something I learned about in college called the "willing suspension of disbelief". It's an incredibly useful tool when watching a movie or a show or reading a book. But, apparently there's masses of people who think that it shouldn't apply to a reality style television show. Fuck those people. If there's anyone out there who thinks the show is now better for the change, please speak up. I'd love to hear opinions on this atrocity.