by The Secret Satirist

If the Super Bowl was played on the same day as a Cincinatti Bengal molested a child, I like to think that the producer of ESPN’s Sportscenter’s head would blow off. Since sensationalism always sells, we are subjected to the increasingly mundane details of every car crash, overdose, arrest, and conviction of everyone who ever appeared in a major sport. Hell, it doesnt even have to be a major sport anymore. Apollo Ohno is dating Alyssa Milano? Cancel the NBA Finals!

Obviously the magnification of sports related news is partially because of the rise of ESPN. Look at the teams of our youth. The 1986 Mets? Those guys were doing cocaine with prostitutes DURING THE GAME! Can you imagine the coverage of Gaylord Perry’s spitball-gate? Or Ty Cobb’s racial intolerance? Or Babe Ruth reporting out of shape to spring training drunk while eating a hot dog?

A shining example of the media’s fascination with anything but the game resides in Chicago’s very own Wrigley Field. I have honestly seen more punches thrown than home runs hit in the last month of Cub highlights. ESPN.com’s Jason Stark reports inside information that Lou Pinella has ordered a boxing ring to replace the pitcher’s mound…..*click here if you are an ESPN insider*….

And that’s another thing. Do I have to be an “insider” just to get the damn news anymore? The only things that seem to be of interesting news status anymore you have to be in ESPN or Yahoo’s special clubhouse to access. I’m just not going to pay 129.95 to hear Jason Giambi snitch out his homeboys. That’s not how I roll. And come on ESPN…you’re better than that. What next? Selling Kevin Garnett’s mama’s home made pie recipes for 99 cents per download?

If the news is going to be entertaining then just make it entertainment. Have Refrigerator Perry take a stab at figure skating. Make Leon Spinks try to whistle on the Budweiser Hot Seat. For the love of God, sign Carlos Zambrano up for a UFC tournament. But you better act fast. I heard Pacman Jones is going out to the club tonight.