Everywhere I look these days, grown men are talking about American Idol like they USED to talk about sports. Every week on the local 9:00 news, our FOX station has a segment on the goings on of this week's American Idol. And I'm not talking about at the end of the broadcast, after all the important news has been given. I'm talking about mid-broadcast, right after the "Body Found In A Dumpster" segment.

Today, I was driving back to work listening to what I thought was ESPN radio, when Tim Brando lit into his "Idol Update". For 15 minutes, this smiling douche rattled off about and I'm quoting because it infuriated me so, "Jason Castro...Caster Oil?...Castro? Caster Oil? It should be caster oil because he sounded like the way Caster Oil smells last week." What a GAY fucking pun job hacky thing to say about gayness.

This is probably the same guy that weeks ago, before they had whittled the selection down, was talking about how good a choice he was. But, now? Oh now, he just sucks and he's never been good. Same with some other chick. she's just awful apparently.

But, it wasn't JUST the fact that he was dissecting American Idol. It was that he was dissecting American Idol with the same passion that men on sports radio USED to dissect sports. He went on to say that the American public shouldn't be trusted to select who makes it in the entertainment business.

Okay, that statement right there sent me through the roof further than the Caster Oil pun. The people who BUY the music shouldn't be allowed to choose who MAKES the music they listen to? We should leave it to old rich white guys? Trust me, I don't listen to music that programs like this generate. It's shit. In every sense. It's fake passion, it's fake soul. But, even with my music I wish I had the ability to shake the brothers Ween and say, "STOP MAKING FAKE RASTA SONGS! I HATE THEM!" But, I don't. I have to rely on what they put out and deal with it. But, I buy it anyway because it doesn't have some Clive Davis type corpse telling them what to sound like. They make their own mistakes and I chose them, mistakes and all.

I mean, a statement like that is no different than saying, "Trust the government, they know what's best and won't steer you wrong." "You shouldn't smoke pot, because they say not to." It is the absolute squarest thing a person who is quite obviously is trying to remain as hip as possible could possibly say.

And it's a grown man passionately extoling the idea. Even worse, a sportscaster taking 15 minutes from his hour long segment to do a bit about it. I've had it and it must stop!

So, please, sports people of the media. It's baseball season! It's the basketball and hockey playoffs! The NFL draft just went down! Please don't degrade yoruself by talking about American Idol like it means something. It means nothing and you sound like an asshole.

Labels: 2008 nfl draft, american idol, tim brando, ween

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So, here we are again. The day that makes Vidal Sassoon their commissions as interns spend weeks slathering on hair gel and industrial grade sealants to Kiper's hair helmet in preperation for today. I have cracked open a bottle on Absinthe that I got from a friend for Christmas. The Green Fairy is what they call it in France. I call it some licorice smelling anti-freeze. It tastes as bad as it smells. But, it was a gift, and it was the drink of such dignitaries as Edgar Allen Poe, Vincent Van Gogh, and Oscar Wilde. So, prepare yourselves for some poetic, esoteric, drunken masterwork right here... TODAY!

Plus, if the absinthe doesn't work, I've got a 12 pack of High Life to fall back on. Here we go, here comes Chris "Deux Deux Deux" Berman.

Side note: There's been a little noise about moving the draft amongst other cities every year. I hope they don't Jets fans are some of the most photogenic degenerates in the world.

#1 Pick: Miami Dolphins - Jake Long - OT, Michigan: Is anyone else getting the feeling that we're seeing another Robert Gallery here? The Dolphins need help in the O-Line, and Jake Long is very good and all.... I just don't see him being the dominant force that the Dolphins do. But, that could very well be why I'm sitting in a La-Z-Boy pretending I'm waxing philosophical behind a keyboard and not making $57 million dollar decisions.

Side note: I hate the fact that I've known the first two picks since this morning. It's like knowing the final score before you watch the game.

Side note: Chris Young, Steve? Ha ha ha! Tired of your own sissy kids? Steve Young just had a jealous slip and called Chris Long, Chris Young.

Side note: This absinthe is just awful. I'd better start hallucinating soon like they say you're supposed to.

Side note: That damn Mrs. Long. Turn off your phone and stop scaring the talent!

#2 Pick: St. Louis Rams - Chris Long - DE, Virginia - I hate the Raiders, but I also really hate THIS for the Raiders. He should have fallen to them to continue legacy. But, between he and Adam Carriker they should make some wicked stops, but if their offense is going to continue playing like a bunch of hobbled old men, it's gonna be a long year.

Side note: Does anyone's mics work or are they just ignoring Deux Deux Deux? He keeps talking and they keep looking at their twiddling thumbs...

Side note: To start a new Rachel Nichols? One is enough, unless you set them off in a cage match and let them peck each others eyes out with their noses.

Side note: As bad as this shit tastes, I'm already a little drunk...

#3 Pick: Atlanta Falcons - Matt Ryan - QB, Boston College - I know that everyone loves to talk about what a franchise quarterback Matt Ryan is. He's going to make everyone forget Michael Vick! He's going to take the Falcons all the way! He's going to outlaw fat girls wearing "Sexy Princess" t-shirts! Quarterbacks just don't come in and rule the world. Whatever. People LOVE getting excited about high pick QBs, but the only thing they love more is ragging on them when they don't pan out. That being said, I'm not nearly as excited about him as everyone else.

Side note: I really hate Corona commercials. I don't buy it BECAUSE if their commercials, well, that and it tastes like overpriced Miller Lite.

#4 Pick: Oakland Raiders - Darren McFadden - RB, Arkansas - Are the Jets faithful cheering? Sounds to me like the Raiders have some copycatting in the works this season with a Fargas/McFadden combo. They've got a relatively young dark horse going on here. I think it might be time to start worrying about the Raiders.

Side note: McFadden's mom is a recovering crack addict?! Ummmm...she looks a little wasted right now. And I know wasted.

Side note: I HATE that the first 5 picks have almost been predetermined. We knew WHO they were going to be, just not which order. So, now we won't get any great Aaron Rodgers, Matt Leinart, Brady Quinn "Poor thing" drama this year. That is unless Dorsey doesn't go to the Chiefs, who just traded the #1 defensive end in the NFL. So, they just MIGHT be looking to replace him.

Side note: Wendi Nix? Is that the fat chick that Johnny Drama ended up getting rim jobbed by? Looks like it...

Side note: OH MY GOD! Look at that effing watch on Dorsey's wrist! How does he hold it up?

#5 Pick: Kansas City Chiefs - Glenn Dorsey - DT, LSU: Okay, so he hasn't missed a game in college. But, as badass as he is, he is a major injury risk. A RISK, mind you, not a liability. He's worth the gamble. Good for them. But, now the geen room is empty. I'm sad about that.

Side note: Happy as all outdoors!

Side note: J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets!

Side note: We still have Vernon Gholston in the green room! Drop drop drop!!! I want to hear about the triumph of the spirit of this brave young man for waiting an extra 20 minutes to be a millionaire!

Side note: I want to hang out with that bald Jets fan in the stands. He looks like he knows where we could find the truly kick ass high school parties!

#6 Pick: New York Jets - Vernon Gholston - DE, Ohio State - I think Vernon Gholston is a frightening badass on par with the Rock Eater in Neverending Story. Did I just bring up ROck Eater? Wow... I don't care about people saying he's TOO muscular and not athletic enough. Forget that. Gholston will destroy...

Side note: Goddammit! These 1984 style Under Armour commercials have GOT TO GO! CAN...YOU...DIG IT!!!???

Side note: Prediction: Iron Man will suck ass. Over/Under: A McDonald's Cheeseburger.

Side note: Even with Goodell's new streamlined draft. I'm drunker than I have been before at this time. I better move on to beer. Once again, my wife is pure gold. I said, "I've got to live blog the Draft while I get drunk." ad she said, "I'll take the kids to your mom's for a few hours." GOLD!!!

Side note: The Patriots trade Pick #7 to the Saints

Pick #7: New Orleans Saints - Sedrick Ellis - DT, USC - The Saints are out of control! They are trying to get to the Super Bowl TO-day! Look at Ellis' picture, he looks like someone just said, "Sedrick, I think Billy Jean was WAY better than Thriller." The cameraman did not live through the shoot. I hate this pick, but only because I hate the Saints.

Side note: The Ravens trade Pick #8 to the Jaguars

Side note: I really am sensing some animosity between the rest of the crew and Chris Berman.

Side note: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! Kiper versus Berman! Come over the desk!

Pick #8: Jacksonville Jaguars - Derrick Harvey - DE, Florida - OOOO!!! Berman just said, "We say a reach, but, uh, you know, that's just on YOUR BOARD, MEL!" Ha ha ha ha! I don't know about this guy, but Berman just cracked me up with that!

Side note: Hmmm.... You think Keith Rivers might be a Bengal?

Side note: I'm onto the High Life now. Beer #1 coming up after this pick.

Pick #9: Cincinnati Bengals - Keith Rivers - OLB, USC - Wow, that was the quietest reception ever for a pick. Crickets everywhere. Keith Rivers is a bad ass. A classy guy, but a classy guy who will eat your soul. You know what I mean? It's a shame that he's going to the Bengals. I mean Marvin Lewis should have a killer defense, but ever year, it's just mediocrity. I wish for better for Keith Rivers, because he's a bad mutha.

Side note: Adam Sandler.... I pretend that he died after Happy Gilmore. It keeps me happy.

Side note: Vented Coors Light? there's an extra indention on the mouth of the can. Is that really ad worthy? I drank one last night, my mind was not blown. I didn't even notice until I looked down and said, "Indention?!"

#10 Pick - New England Patriots - Jerod Mayo - ILB, Tennessee - New England just filled Teddy Bruschi's position for later on. Beautiful move on their part. Forget the videotaping shit. The Patriots are just amazing, and they just got better. I love this pick. What are they supposed to do? Draft a QB? A WR? Well played.

Side note: Did Berman just say, "Hold the Mayo"? Pollack KILL!!!!

Side note: I just peed off of my deck. If you don't have a deck, I suggest you should build one. I have one that angles off of a hill, so if I angle my stream properly, I can get maybe 15-20 feet off the ground. It's fantastic.

#11 Pick - Buffalo Bills - Leodis McKelvin - CB, Troy - Ha ha ha! The lone Bills fans in the audience didn't like that pick. But, he should quit being a dumb ass because as much as I hate talking about defensive backs during this, I have done my homework a little more and McKelvin comes from Alabama. McKelvin is badass. Some scout was quoted on the radio the other day as saying, "If McKelvin played for USC or Ohio State, he'd be a top 5 pick."

Side note: Thank God for beer. Fucking Poe and Van Gogh were suckers for drinking that shit. And I am not having ANY hallucinations, but I'll be damned if this isn't the most poetic prose ever transcribed onto a computer screen.

#12 Pick - Denver Broncos - Ryan Clady - OT, Boise State - I love this pick. As great as the Broncos make their running backs (minus Travis Henry) they do great things for their QBs, too. I think he'll protect Cutlers ass, but for what? Cutler will still eff it up. Did I mention I think that Cutler isn't what he's cracked up to be?

Side note: Haii, I'm Sal Pow-lan-toe-nio. My vocal chords run directly through my nose. Wah wah wah wah...

Pick #13 - Carolina Panthers - Johnathan Stewart - RB, Oregon - Need a committee, take a committee. DeAngelo Williams high fived everyone when DeShaun Foster left now he's gonna have to call a carpenter to fix the hole in the floor that his jaw just left. Stewart's incredible if he can stay healthy. I said that Adrian Peterson probably couldn't stay healthy last season, my shoe tasted incredible, so now I'm gonna just leave it at Stewart's an incredible talent.

Side note: Don't you dare call my wife Nancy. It's Mrs. Barber, you punk! Are you sleeping wi th my wife?!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! Man, I'm drunk...

Side note: Aaron's 312? What, does Rent-To-Own not afford you a full 500? "Sorry, if people just owned more than we rent we could probably afford like 415, maybe 425... But, for now we can only give you 312..."

Side note: Thank God Jaworski just showed up, I was running low on goobers to rag on.

Side note: Seattle Seahawks Key Loss: Josh Brown. I love that. Shaun Alexander is probably not as fond of it as I am.

Side note: Rex grossman is as late a bloomer as Bill Haverchuck.

Pick #14: Chicago bears - Chris Williams - OT, Vanderbilt - Yeah, that's what you needed, Chicago. Someone to protect your shitty QB and your crybaby RB. Hold on... What's that sound? Oh, that must be Bears fans organizing a riot. Williams is good, but possibly not the Bears first priority. I say possibly being polite.

Side note: The best WR is still available. Matt Millen is licking his chops.

Side note: The Lions traded the #15 pick to the the Chiefs

Pick #15: Kansas City Chiefs - Branden Albert - G, Virgina - Someone wake Branden up. He looks like a good pick. If they can't get anyone to replace Brody Croyle, might as well pick up someone to keep people from killing him. Although, if he did get killed they'd have to replace him which could be the best move of the offseason.

Pick #16: Arizona Cardinals - Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie - CB, Tennessee State - Why do I know so much about damn DBs these days? Cromartie is badass. Once again, a small school guy who is good enough to play at big levels. My only question is how will they fit his name on the jersey?

Side note: I'm not a fan of the new streamlined format, Goodell. I don't have time to rip on stupid things.

Pick #17: Detroit Lions - Gosder Cherilus - OT, Boston College - Who? Ha ha ha! Way to avoid Mendenhall, Millen! Jew so CRAZY, Millen! Who's he blocking for? Kitna? Nameless running back #1?

Side note: Looks like Flacco's gonna be the next Grbac and Dilfer.

Side note: Is it just me or is this the least interesting draft in a while? Berman should take off his shirt. What?

Side note: The Texans trade pick #18 to the Ravens.

Pick #18: Baltimore Ravens - Joe Flacco - QB, Delaware - He's the next Ben Roethlisberger. Gigantic and solid. I like him a lot. Way better than I like Matt Ryan. Great job for Ozzie Newsome and the Ravens. Now they need to figure out how to get him an exciting target.

Side note: The Eagles trade pick #19 to the Panthers.

Pick #19: Carolina Panthers - Jeff Otah - OT, Pittsburgh - Great selection despite the audience selection. They've got their RB committee, now they've got their solid blocker. And the stupid Lions took who? Glodis Something? Gosder... Idiots...

Side note: What's this crap? HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! They had to cut the talking heads off from their blah blah blah so they could introduce the armed forces. Whoops!

Side note: This is the pick I'm pumped about. I hope it's Devin Thomas. Although it won't be. Gruden's, right now, desperately searching for the "You my boy, Blue!" guy who somehow snuck into college at the age of 80 to do some Jello wrestling.

Side note: Eagles fans are furious right now. This amuses me to no end!

Pick #20: Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Aqib Talib - DB, Kansas - SEE! Do you SEE this shit?! They HAVE to pick a wide receiver! HAVE TO! And they pick Aqib Talib, the biggest bust prospect in the defensive backs this season. Every year I want to puke at the Bucs pick, and every year I do. Good for you for smoking pot. Just don't suck on the field. Damn I hate this pick so much...

Side note: Tirico hates the pick, too.

Side note: 5 minutes later, I still hate the Bucs pick. I love Gruden on the sideline, but I hate him in the office. i hate him so damn much in the office. I'd go take off my jersey now, but I'm not a Saints fan. (They take off their jerseys when they start losing in the Superdome. Saints fans suck.)

Side note: The Redskins trade pick #21 to the Falcons.

Side note: I guarantee here comes Devin Thomas. GUARANTEE IT!!!!

Pick #21: Atlanta Falcons - Sam Baker - OT, USC - Uh... That's a beard to be dealt with, for sure. I don't hate the pick because the Falcons are in the NFC South, so they can draft Ethel Merman for all I care.

Side note: ESPN is smart to shoot Rachel Nichols head on, so as to avoid resorting to a 16x9 aspect ratio to accomodate her nose.

Side note: I bet the Cowboys go Mendenhall. They don't want Barber to carry the whole load.

Side note: Quit showing Devin Thomas. I'm sick over it. I need another beer. By the way, I'm halfway through beer #3 after the absinthe by the way. D-R-U-N-K DRUNK! DRUNK! DRUNK!

Pick #22: Dallas Cowboy - Felix Jones - RB, Arkansas - Interesting choice. I think Mendehall is better. Felix Jones reminds me of a non-fat LenDale White. I guess they'd rather have someone used to sharing carries, but I'd bet that neither Marion Barber or Felix Jones is excited about this situation.

Side note: Rashard Mendenhall's pre-draft party looks like the tits! That looked like a strip club and I think I saw a Pabst Blue Ribbon in the background.

Pick #23: Pittsburgh Steelers - Rashard Mendenhall - RB, Illinois - How could you not take him? Willie Parker is great. Mendenhall is, too. Looks like the copycat bug has hit Pittsburgh as well. Look out for the Steelers rushing tandem. Sick, sick stuff, man... I don't love it, but I do fear it.

Side note: My fish tank is filthy. I need to clean it. Tomorrow...

Side note: What's that hood rat drinking at DeSean Jackson's party? Jones Soda or Grey Goose?

Side note: Uh oh! Steve Young wrote Devin thomas in ink! Must be true!

Pick #24: Tennessee Titans - Chris Johnson - RB, East Carolina - He's fast and small. The bizarro LenWhale White. I would say that the Titans are on the copycat train as well now, but I think they're just all out trying to replace LenWhale. He's an intersting pick. But, more importantly, I'm going to pee off of my deck again.

Side note: I hear Nirvana in the background. I sat here for a few seconds and can't think of anything interesting to say about this observation. Beer #4 just opened.

Side note: The Seahawks traded pick #25 to the Cowboys.

Pick #25: Dallas Cowboys - Mike Jenkins - DB, South Florida - Thank God! I don't know anything about this guy! I feel much better not knowing anything about defensive backs. My cat just jumped up on my laptop and frightened me. I should have left what she typed in midsentence, but alas, I did not...

Pick #26: Houston Texans - Duane Brown - OT, Virginia Tech - How many offensive linemen have to go in the first round until you have the lowest ratings in a televised NFL draft ever? I don't know, how many have been selected this time? 10? 12? I feel like I went home with a drunk chick and she fell asleep on the toilet while I'm laying in her bed right now...

Pick #27: San Diego Chargers - Antoine Cason - CB, Arizona - Ha! Thank you Tivo! I dosed off for a little while and had to rewind. I don't know anything about him, but I do know that the Chargers already have some of he best young defensive backs in the league. So, they just went crazy. There's another team that could've used a high caliber wide receiver that didn't take one.

Side note: Ugh... I have a head ache. I love drinking in the afteroon, but I hate not drinking in the evening. Hangovers at 8:00 suck ass.

Pick #28: Seattle Seahawks - Lawrence Jackson - DE, USC - He looks like a good pass rusher. But, honestly Jackson looks to me like a slightly above average player who got drafted in the first round because he went to USC. Meh...

Pick #29: San Francisco 49ers - Kentwan Balmer - DT, North Carolina - That's a big freakin' fella. He's supposed to play nose tackle in San Fran's new 3-4 defensive scheme. He doesn't look like he eats EVERYone's lunches, but he has been known to root around in the bus... What in the hell am I even talking about? Does it make sense to be the drunkest when the people who you've never heard of are being drafted? No!

Side note: The Packers have traded pick #30 to the Jets.

Side note: My oldest son just came home and said that Mel Kiper Jr. looks like a rooster. Best quip of the day!!!

Pick #30: New York Jets - Dustin Keller - TE, Purdue - Ha ha ha ha! The Jets faithful HATE IT! Lots of hands on heads and exasperated looks all around. Honestly, it's a good choice. Because who else have they got? Bubba Franks now? Bubba Franks lost it years ago and Chris Baker never had it. Why not get a playmaker SOMEwhere else besides inside a jersey that says Coles.

Side note: 50 different people were fooled by PIZZA HUT that they were in a regular New York restaurant opening? You're kidding. Pizza Hut? I call bullshit or else I congratulate on finding the 50 stupidest people on the planet. "Mmmm...what is that I taste? A hint of hot wing sauce?"

Side note: Wait, did Berman just compare Eli Manning and Joe Namath? Ugh...

Pick #31: New York Giants - Kenny Phillips - S, Miami - Man, the fans love him! What better way to end this year's Drinkin' and Draftin' than with another defensive back that I don't know anything about. I really don't care about the Giants or defensive backs, so I'm going to go eat dinner.

PEESH!

Labels: 2008 nfl draft, football, nfl, nfl draft, rookies

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Sitting in living rooms, kitchens, and agent's offices across America at this very moment are around 1000 players who have been poked, prodded, and pranced over the past few months trying to determine whether or not they're draft material. 255 of those 1000 will be deemed worthy tomorrow and Sunday. One test will weigh heavily on the minds of GMs and coaches throughout the NFL: The Wonderlic.

The Wonderlic is a 12-minute, 50-question quiz designed to test the general IQ of potential NFL meat. A perfect score is 50. To date, there has only been one football player to score a 50 on his Wonderlic assessment, Pat McInally of Havard University who went on to become a Pro-Bowl punter.

Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, also from Harvard University, was also believed to have scored a perfect 50. This claim was eventually proven to be false and he was outed as having a still excellent score of 38.

On average, NFL players' Wonderlic scores are as follows:

* Offensive tackle - 26
* Center - 25
* Quarterback - 24
* Guard - 23
* Tight end - 22
* Safety - 19
* Linebacker - 19
* Cornerback - 18
* Wide receiver - 17
* Fullback - 17
* Halfback - 16

On the flip side of Ryan Fitzpatrick, there was also a tale of Vince Young scoring a 6 on his Wonderlic, which would put him right in line with Forrest Gump and Lennie Small. Also like Fitzpatrick, Young's score was also proven to be false and was later told that he scored a still well below QB average 16.

This got me thinking. Ryan Fitzpatrick was drafted by the Rams in 2005, where he ended up playing 4 games when Marc Bulger went down. He went on to throw 4 touchdowns and 8 interceptions with a 58.2 QB rating. He has not seen playing time in a regular season NFL game since.

Vince Young, as you probably know, has been the starting quarterback for the Tennessee Titans for 2 seasons where he has been less than stellar, but still head and shoulders above the performace of the much higher scoring Ryan Fitzpatrick.

So, how much weight SHOULD the Wonderlic test carry in the world of quarterbacks? Let's go through the Wonderlic scores of some of today's quarterbacks and see how they play out:

Drew Henson 42
Alex Smith 40
Eli Manning 39
Brian Griese 39
Charlie Frye 38
Tony Romo 37
Drew Bledsoe 36
Matt Leinart 35
Kellen Clemens 35
Aaron Rodgers 35
Tom Brady 33
Steve Young 33
Joey Harrington 32
Patrick Ramsey 32
Sage Rosenfels 32
J.P. Losman 31
Matt Schaub 31
Phillip Rivers 30
Brady Quinn 29
Rex Grossman 29
Marc Bulger 29
Matt Hasselbeck 29
Troy Aikman 29
John Elway 29
Drew Brees 28
Peyton Manning 28
Kyle Boller 27
Ryan Leaf 27
Jay Cutler 26
Kyle Orton 26
Carson Palmer 26
Akili Smith 26
Ben Roethlisberger 25
Byron Leftwich 25
Chad Pennington 25
JaMarcus Russell 24
David Carr 24
Jason Campbell 23
Tim Couch 22
Trent Dilfer 22
Brett Favre 22
Michael Vick 20
Tarvaris Jackson 19
Bruce Gradkowski 19
Derek Anderson 19
A.J. Feeley 19
Daunte Culpepper 18
Aaron Brooks 17
Vinny Testeverde 17
Vince Young 16
Steve McNair 15
Randall Cunningham 15
Dan Marino 15
Terry Bradshaw 15
David Garrard 14
Donovan McNabb 14
Marcus Vick 11
Jeff George 10
Chris Leak 8

Well, the list begins with one of the all time highest scorers in NFL Wonderlic history, Drew Henson. As you may know, Henson was not only bright, but a two sport...flop. He made appearances with the New York Yankees in 2002 and 2003, compiling 9 ABs with 3 Ks and 1 hit. In 2004 he joined the Cowboys, played 7 games and put together 78 Passing Yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, and 2 sacks.

Heading down the ladder further, we run across other NFL quarterback flops like Alex Smith, Charlie Frye, and Kellen Clemens. However, also amongst those names are players like Tony Romo (37, could be considered a flop, depending on if you're discussing the regular season or the post season. ZING!), Tom Brady (33), and Steve Young (33). And, no, I refuse to acknowledge Eli Manning among the previous names, despite his 39 score. Just because he won a Super Bowl doesn't make him great. Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl as well, where's his fellatio?

As we scroll down the list of names, you see the good mixed in with the bad mixed in with the ugly. It seems haphazard. I had a theory beginning the research for this article that I would find that the players at the top tended to be less successful at the quarterback position than the ones at the bottom due to a tendency of book smart people to overanalyze situations. While this theory wasn't smashed by what I found here, it did morph into something a little different.

From looking over the list, toward the top amongst the QBs who scored 30 and above, we see names like Phillip Rivers, Tom Brady, Matt Leinart, Drew Bledsoe, Eli Manning, and Alex Smith. These are some of the most immobile quarterbacks in the game. They're pocket passers, they get sacked a lot, but they also put together a lot of passing yards. When you get toward the bottom of the list, the guys who scored 20 and below, you've got names like Michael Vick, Tarvaris Jackson, Daunte Culpepper, Aaron Brooks, Vince Young, Steve McNair, Randall Cunningham, David Garrard, Donovan McNabb, and Kordell Stewart. These are all guys who faced with an oncoming defensive attack, they tuck in the ball and take off for whatever they can get.

I hate to use the word primal, but that's almost what we're seeing here. The lower the Wonderlic score, the more primal and emotive the quarterback. The higher the score, the more prone to getting caught overanalyzing the situation rather than just taking action.

So, is it as bad as some would make it out to be to have a low Wonderlic score? No. Clearly not. You just play with more heart than brains, if that statement could be construed as non-condescendingly as possible. There's a lot to be said for playing with heart. Some of the NFL's greatest quarterbacks were well below average on the Wonderlic (Brett Favre, Steve McNair, Dan Marino, Terry Bradshaw, Donovan McNabb) just like some of the biggest flops were well above average.

By the way, Eli Manning scored 11 points higher (39) than Peyton Manning did (28), and I think it's pretty damn obvious who wins that battle.

You can go here to see how you would stand up against the Wonderlic.

Labels: Alex Smith, Charlie Frye, Drew Henson, fantasy nfl, Kellen Clemens, nfl draft, Pat McInally, quarterback, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Steve Young, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, Vince Young, wonderlic

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With the draft looming large in the minds of football fans everywhere, we're seeing mock draft after mock draft as well as the perennial "Worst #1 Picks EVER" lists that make Tim Couch and Ki-Jana Carter cry every year. Well, enough of this nonsense! Let's be positive for a moment and discuss the Top 10 Greatest Mr. Irrelevants of the past 30 years.

Now over the years, we've seen some gargantuan flops in the first pick. Those hurt. That's money and time wasted poorly. You've seen those names ad nauseum, so I won't dip back into that well. We've seen big timers come from NEARLY the last pick, even as currently as Marques Colston in 2006 as the 252nd overall selection. We've had Donald Driver in 1999 at 213. 1993 saw the drafting of Trent Green at #222 and America's sweetheart, Troy Brown at #198. Even all the way back in 1978, Bill Kenney, a QB out of Northern Colorado was selected the pick before last and went on to be a Pro Bowl QB for the Kansas City Chiefs and eventually a Senator in Missouri.

But, what about those guys who squeaked in when everyone else in the world, other GMs included, has completely lost interest? Let's go through the years and find the best of the worst:

10. Tim Washington - DB - Fresno State - 334th Selection/San Fancisco 49ers (1982) - Okay, you know this is panning out to be one sad list when you can be included for having ONE regular season game appearance. But, here he is, with 1 appearance in a game in 1982, TIM WASHINGTON!

9. Michael Reed - DB - Boston College - 249th Selection/Carolina Panthers (1995) - Showing up Tim Washington, Michael Reed decided to double up production. He appeared in 2 games. What did he do during those two games? There's no telling, the NFL doesn't keep a Gatorade consumed statistic...I don't think. I'll have to speak with Ron Jaworski...

8. Tyrone McGriff - G - Florida A&M - 333rd Selection/Pittsburgh Steelers (1980) - McGriff's best season came in his rookie season of 1980 when he participated in all 16 games. That season the Steelers had the 15th ranked rushing game, though I feel certain Mr. McGriff had very little to do with it.

7. Norman Jefferson - DB - Louisiana State - 335th Selection/Green Bay Packers (1987) - Norman's greatest achievements came in 1988 when he was the kick return specialist for the Pack. Okay, he was the kick return specialist for a couple of games where he accrued 4 kick off returns for a 29.0 average return and 5 punts at an average of 3.0 a piece.

6. Ramzee Robinson - CB - Alabama - 255th Selection/Detroit Lions (2007) - Now, we're getting into the meat and potatoes of the irrelevancy! Ramzee found himself taking part in 6 games last season where he accumulated 7 tackles, 5 OF THEM SOLOS! Matt Millen was pleased in drafting his #4 tackler this late.

5. Matt Elliott - C - Michigan - 336th Selection/Washington Redskins (1992) - Elliott's best season came in 1995 when he became the full time starting center for the Carolina Panthers for 14 games. Since there's no stat that really shows the effectiveness of an offensive lineman, I'll just mention that the Carolina Panthers ranked 30th in Yards Per Rush in 1995 and 24th in passing yards. Hey, but he PLAYED!

4. Jim Finn - RB - Pennsylvania - 253rd Selection/Chicago Bears (1999) - It took Finn a while to catch on and make a contribution. But, in 2005, Finn had his best season playing fullback for the New York Giants where he started 13 games and pulled in 98 receiving yards. Yep, 98 receiving yards gets you #4, baby!

3. Marty More - LB - Kentucky - 222nd Selection/New England Patriots (1994) - It was a tough call between Marty Moore and Jim Finn. Jim Finn technically played longer than Marty Moore did, but in 1997, Marty pulled down 2 interceptions and played in all 16 games. 2 INTs in a season is probably hard. That's 2 more than Ramzee Robinson, Michael Reed, Norman Jefferson, and Tim Washington had in their entire careers COMBINED!

2. John Tuggle - RB - California - 335th Selection/New York Giants (1983) - Tuggle put together a rookie season that included the only touchdown in the past 30 years of irrelevancy. On top of that sole TD, Tuggle also had 49 rushing yards and 50 receiving yards while playing in all 16 games that year. Tuggle's career was cut short immediately after his rookie season by cancer that eventually took his life in 1986.

1. Michael Green - S - Northwestern State Louisiana - 254th Selection/Chicago Bears (2000) - Our selection for the best Mr. Irrelevant ever is Michael Green. Still currently in the league with the Seattle Seahawks, Michael green is beginning to show his irrelevancy. But, back in 2004, Green had quite a season with the Chicago Bears. During that season he started all 16 games, made 106 tackles, 1.5 sacks and pulled in 2 interceptions. Pro-Bowl material? Meh...maybe not. Best damn Mr. Irrelevant ever? You're damn right!

So, did I HAVE to include the first 3 or 4 guys in this list? I did if I wanted to make it a top 10 list. I didn't even want to research back 30 years, but I had to in order to pull 10 names out who actually saw a regular season game from the field for at least a play.

Enjoy the draft on Saturday, and be sure to check back in this weekend for our annual Drinkin' & Draftin' where I will live blog the NFL Draft while getting progressively drunker and drunker. I have a bottle of absinthe set aside for this year. It's the liquor of poets, apparently. So, expect some Edgar Allen Poe style reporting on the draft come Saturday afternoon.
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Throughout the years of all sports, evolutions occur. In basketball, guards and forwards morphed into point guards, shooting guards, power forwards, and small forwards. Baseball developed closers, setup men, and long relievers from the solitary position of pitcher. Hell, even football has developed the third down back and the slot receiver out of it's original positions.

However, one being seems impervious to the call of evolution. The quarterback.

I feel like most people's argument about the quarterback by committee idea is this: "The quarterback is the leader of the offense! He's like the General leading his men to war! Okay, let me just say bullshit to this. Yes, the quarterback is the one calling the plays. But, in most cases, save for Peyton Manning and a couple of others, those plays are being relayed into him via helmet phone from the offensive coordinator. I'm not saying he's not the "General", but I am saying that it's not like someone else is incapable of being a substitute general.

Am I calling for an even 50/50 split? Absolutely not. Face facts, some quarterbacks are just head and shoulders above others in the world of identifying defenses, calling audibles, and making smart, on the fly, decisions. But, can you imagine how much bigger an asset a Michael Vick (pre-incarceration) or a Vince Young would be to a team if they had another quarterback who could actually pass the ball as well?

Now, you couldn't pull off a Duece McAllister/Reggie Bush type of timeshare at the quarterback position, either. You know when Bush comes in, 7 times out of 10 he's going to be thrown to rather than handed off to. The same goes for McAllister, you can almost rest assured that he's going to be busting through the line with a handoff. So, you can't just have Brian Griese handle 5 pass plays and bring in Jeff Garcia for the bootleg. I think defenses might key in on that pretty quickly. So, you would have to rely on Vince Young, or the like, actually throwing a few ducks.

This would do a couple of things for an offense:

1. The opposing defenses would have to prepare for an onslaught of not one but TWO different quarterbacks with completely different styles of play.

2. The quarterbacks would get extra breathers and have the ability to sit back and watch some plays develop from the sidelines. I can only imagine this would be a huge benefit for a QB stuck in a rut on the field, without the humiliation of being pulled for a full quarter, half or even the game to get fresh legs in the game.

Can you imagine the threat the Eagles would have if they could swap McNabb out with, say, a Tim Tebow in a few years. McNabb is a smart, great passer with reasonably good rushing skills. Tebow is a great rushing QB with reasonably good passing skills. They would consistently keep defenses on their toes.

McNabb is also a great example of a quarterback who seems to get stuck in ruts. He's a great QB, but once he throws an INT you can almost bet there will be another one waiting in the wings soon.

These are just examples. It's probably even a bad example since by the time Tebow comes into the NFL, McNabb will be entering his 11th season at the age of 33. But, you get the idea that I'm throwing out there.

The whole concept of playing a quarterback like a race horse, pushing him and pushing him and pushing him until he's completely spent and then punishing him by pulling him for an extended period of time is outdated. The running back by committee concept has not only been embraced by many coaches in the NFL, it's been adopted by many. It's time NFL coaches start looking at the quarterback by committee concept as a viable suggestion. It would extend careers, keep defenses on their toes, and make the game all the more exciting. If the only excuse is that the offense needs to only take orders from their "General", come on, we're talking about adult millionaires who listen for their names and spend the rest of their time thinking of how they can make themselves look better. You think Chad Johnson gives a shit who is telling him what play to run? He did just fine for Carson Palmer despite hating his guts.

Labels: Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, Donovan McNabb, duece mcallister, football, Jeff Garcia, Matt Hasselbeck, Michael vick, nfl, Peyton Manning, quarterback, reggie bush, Tim Tebow, Vince Young

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